Joe's Bad Luck with the Alfonzo Bear-Bird

This is a typical tale of some "Joe Schmo" who just happens to get through life by breathing.

Try as he will, nothing ever seems to go in his favor. 
On a typical night, good ole "Joe" does the same thing he does every night.
Eat 3 frozen pizzas, and cry himself to sleep over the cover of a Hustler magazine.

The next morning he wakes up, half ass brushes his teeth, finds the least smelly shirt on the floor, and leaves for work. 

As Joe is walking down the street he notices women are saying "Hi" and "Hello Meat Stick" and other out of the ordinary things. You see, Joe is NOT popular with the ladies, 
NOT ONE BIT! 

SO this takes him by surprise, and anxiety starts to kick in. At one point, the "Prom Queen" walked up and grabbed ole Joe's meat stick, and punched herself in the eye.

"What in the hell is going on...?" 
Joe continues on his journey to work.

After a few minutes Joe has forgotten all about the incident where 10 women wanted his garbage. He arrives at his job, at the local convenient store (you know the kind with bullet proof glass).

After a rather uneventful shift, Joe goes to take the garbage out. 

YES, trash, not his MEAT STICK. Although, he may have done that earlier, but we aren't here to discuss his libido, we already know he is sexually WE TAR DID.

Near the dumpster he spots something about the size of a Basketball. 
"It's a fucking egg man!" Joe shouts "...and it's fucking huge."

Not sure why Joe is shouting, maybe in hopes that someone will STEAL it, relieving him of any responsibility.

Joe takes this big fucking egg home, keeps it warm in a nest of old ass news papers, empty boxes of beer, and by lounging and getting stoned on it. One day while burning a fat joint, the egg began to rumble.

"Holy shit, what is coming out of this thing?" Joe said turning towards the egg

The egg burst open, and it's a baby fucking bear!

"Wow, a fucking BEAR in a basketball sized egg!" Joe picks the bear up.
"I will call you, Alfonzo the bear. Yea, that's a great name!"

Joe raised this wild Bear/ Bird for 20 years.
One day, Joe came home from work, and was viciously attacked by Alfonzo.
Alfonzo ripped Joe's heart out, and there was no reason to be known for the attack.

Because bears can't fucking talk.

Old Man dies after seeing picture of Estranged Wife.

Bob Robert "Billy" Williams, was full of life at the time of his death.

He had met a young woman online, and was living a virtual young mans life.

That was when it ALL went wrong. 

Allow us to tell you a little about innocent Billy Williams, before we kill him off in print.

He was a modest man, who lived within his means, and did NOT have allot of money.

His interest were model airplanes, hummingbird watching, and bingo at the local VFW.

He was an orphan and a small pox survivor. Along with holding several patents to outdated inventions, he enjoyed lawn darts. 

(After they were outlawed he bought ALL remaining darts, 

and owns the worlds ONLY lawn dart obstacle course. Johnny Knoxville was rumored to visit weekly. Of course there is no evidence to support these claims.) 

Years prior to any of this, ole Billy's wife had vanished. 

No note, no trace, nothing missing, she just vanished. He was investigated, and ultimately exonerated of any and all wrong doing. The poor guy spent the next 50 years, entirely alone and depressed. Outside of his lawn darts and bingo, he longed for his long lost wife. That's when he met Olivia on a popular online dating site. (We shall not name said site, lawsuits are getting expensive here for Slander, and false reporting.)

So, Billy befriends this young woman, and request a picture of her. 

He receives the following photo from the young lady.

Billy Collapsed dead immediately after seeing this photograph!!!

The Police later revealed that is his long lost wife on the left, 

and his grand daughter on the right.

This was their way of letting him know that she were alive, and he had a grand daughter. She had also sent a letter explaining her 50 year absence. Details have not been released.

(Yes, this is the America we all live in and love now.)

Billy's daughter, distraught, submitted this picture, via Instagram,  to show her grief.

(It is important to note that it WAS finals week.)

She changed her mind once she learned that Billy's patents had been generating millions, he had not know, and she was the sole heir. 

The estranged wife and grand daughter got the Funeral Bill.

This blog is for entertainment purposes only.All claims, photos, images, names, and info are fiction.

Woman in abandoned town stuffs HUMANS for MORBID museum

Monowi, Nebraska, USA

(Picture provided by http://whenonearth.net/ This article is for entertainment purposes only.)

Nebraska is home to a strange small town in which the population is exactly one. 

The once populous town has somehow died out, leaving only one resident who operates a bar and a public library for visitors, all on her own. The reasoning behind the mass exodus of people, and her staying, is starting to unravel. 

A small crew of college film makers decided to visit this small town. 

They were very interested in a library that caters to 1 person, and others passing through. 

They were inspired by "The Blair With Project" and "House of 1000 corpses"

(Seeing as how both of those movies ended in tragedy, I can't see how they thought this was a good idea.) 

(Photo courtesy thisisinfamous.com.)

When they arrived they found the town abandoned, except for the bar. 

The bar seemed STABLE on the outside, but on the inside it was something out of "From Dusk till Dawn". A mariachi band, dancers, midgets serving jello shots made from used Breast Implants.

 (Yes, I found this odd too. The chemicals mixed with alcohol create a Euphoric sense. Like that of an Opiate.)

(Photo courtesy www.bostonmagazine.com.)

The towns only resident, simply referred to herself as "The One", made her appearance after the group was intoxicated. At this point they began asking her questions and filming her replies. According to the data that was salvaged, she was very much into Taxidermy. The footage ends when she escorts the group into a Gymnasium full of STUFFED HUMANS!

This was the population of Monowi, Nebraska and their fate is unknown,

One of the students managed to escape but is in a catatonic state and is a ward of the state. The footage was all that was uploaded to "the cloud" during their filming. The town is so desolate that cell service is rare, and "The One" only had dial up internet access.

(AOL TO BOOT!)

(Photo courtesy of www.minddisorders.com.)

It was later to be acknowledged that "The One" had a "Wax Museum" in the abandoned school. 

This was described to be a Tribute to those who left, and abandoned hope. 

Instead, it is a macabre reminder that giving up can have dire consequences. Never give up, or some nut job "BOOK LADY" will stuff you, and charge admission to look at your body.

Article written by: R.p.C

Edited by: Spell Check

Photos provided by: Cited

www.SuperFail5000.com

See the WEIRDEST towns in America below!

(Check out www.SmallTownFamous.us for MORE offensive comedy.)