Joe's Bad Luck with the Alfonzo Bear-Bird

This is a typical tale of some "Joe Schmo" who just happens to get through life by breathing.

Try as he will, nothing ever seems to go in his favor. 
On a typical night, good ole "Joe" does the same thing he does every night.
Eat 3 frozen pizzas, and cry himself to sleep over the cover of a Hustler magazine.

The next morning he wakes up, half ass brushes his teeth, finds the least smelly shirt on the floor, and leaves for work. 

As Joe is walking down the street he notices women are saying "Hi" and "Hello Meat Stick" and other out of the ordinary things. You see, Joe is NOT popular with the ladies, 
NOT ONE BIT! 

SO this takes him by surprise, and anxiety starts to kick in. At one point, the "Prom Queen" walked up and grabbed ole Joe's meat stick, and punched herself in the eye.

"What in the hell is going on...?" 
Joe continues on his journey to work.

After a few minutes Joe has forgotten all about the incident where 10 women wanted his garbage. He arrives at his job, at the local convenient store (you know the kind with bullet proof glass).

After a rather uneventful shift, Joe goes to take the garbage out. 

YES, trash, not his MEAT STICK. Although, he may have done that earlier, but we aren't here to discuss his libido, we already know he is sexually WE TAR DID.

Near the dumpster he spots something about the size of a Basketball. 
"It's a fucking egg man!" Joe shouts "...and it's fucking huge."

Not sure why Joe is shouting, maybe in hopes that someone will STEAL it, relieving him of any responsibility.

Joe takes this big fucking egg home, keeps it warm in a nest of old ass news papers, empty boxes of beer, and by lounging and getting stoned on it. One day while burning a fat joint, the egg began to rumble.

"Holy shit, what is coming out of this thing?" Joe said turning towards the egg

The egg burst open, and it's a baby fucking bear!

"Wow, a fucking BEAR in a basketball sized egg!" Joe picks the bear up.
"I will call you, Alfonzo the bear. Yea, that's a great name!"

Joe raised this wild Bear/ Bird for 20 years.
One day, Joe came home from work, and was viciously attacked by Alfonzo.
Alfonzo ripped Joe's heart out, and there was no reason to be known for the attack.

Because bears can't fucking talk.