Assassination attempt on SHAQ unsuccessful - ESPN on the WarPath

An unknown assassin attempted to take out Basketball legend, Shaquille O'Neal.

Below is video of what transpired.

As you can clearly see, Shaq was set up. Local authorities are NOT looking into the matter. Something about hundreds of unsolved homicides. and 1 rich dick doesn't matter.

Ibrahim Ahmad - Suicide Bombers plans foiled at PROM

IBRAHIM AHMAD

Thought it would be cute to disguise a "Terror Attack" by making it look like a "Promposal". 

Thanks to the efforts of this man, those efforts were thwarted 

and MURICA continues to be the #1 Country on planet earth.

FAT VIDEO GAME NERD 

rushed the would be terrorist, put him in what he called "The YES lock" 

and made him submit to America's almighty Obesity.

"People told me I was too FAT to be anything. This bothered me for years. So, I was standing around a random Highschool, hitting on underage girls, and I see this Middle Eastern guy walk in with a BOMB on his chest. So I did what my favorite wrestler "Daniel Bryan" would do. MAKE HIM TAP!"

This is FAT GUYS favorite wrestler, "Daniel Bryan".

Take today to hug an OBESE Video game nerd.

He MAY save your life.

(This story and any other bullshit on this blog is FAKE and MADE UP. STOP believing everything on the internet. Slapnuts.)

Joe's Bad Luck with the Alfonzo Bear-Bird

This is a typical tale of some "Joe Schmo" who just happens to get through life by breathing.

Try as he will, nothing ever seems to go in his favor. 
On a typical night, good ole "Joe" does the same thing he does every night.
Eat 3 frozen pizzas, and cry himself to sleep over the cover of a Hustler magazine.

The next morning he wakes up, half ass brushes his teeth, finds the least smelly shirt on the floor, and leaves for work. 

As Joe is walking down the street he notices women are saying "Hi" and "Hello Meat Stick" and other out of the ordinary things. You see, Joe is NOT popular with the ladies, 
NOT ONE BIT! 

SO this takes him by surprise, and anxiety starts to kick in. At one point, the "Prom Queen" walked up and grabbed ole Joe's meat stick, and punched herself in the eye.

"What in the hell is going on...?" 
Joe continues on his journey to work.

After a few minutes Joe has forgotten all about the incident where 10 women wanted his garbage. He arrives at his job, at the local convenient store (you know the kind with bullet proof glass).

After a rather uneventful shift, Joe goes to take the garbage out. 

YES, trash, not his MEAT STICK. Although, he may have done that earlier, but we aren't here to discuss his libido, we already know he is sexually WE TAR DID.

Near the dumpster he spots something about the size of a Basketball. 
"It's a fucking egg man!" Joe shouts "...and it's fucking huge."

Not sure why Joe is shouting, maybe in hopes that someone will STEAL it, relieving him of any responsibility.

Joe takes this big fucking egg home, keeps it warm in a nest of old ass news papers, empty boxes of beer, and by lounging and getting stoned on it. One day while burning a fat joint, the egg began to rumble.

"Holy shit, what is coming out of this thing?" Joe said turning towards the egg

The egg burst open, and it's a baby fucking bear!

"Wow, a fucking BEAR in a basketball sized egg!" Joe picks the bear up.
"I will call you, Alfonzo the bear. Yea, that's a great name!"

Joe raised this wild Bear/ Bird for 20 years.
One day, Joe came home from work, and was viciously attacked by Alfonzo.
Alfonzo ripped Joe's heart out, and there was no reason to be known for the attack.

Because bears can't fucking talk.

Two Midwest Men form the first "Casey Anthony" fan club

THE CASEY ANTHONY FAN CLUB

Casey Anthony is best know for smoking cigars, and putting bottles into her body cavities. At one time, she did murder her daughter, and somehow, got away with it. In a land where CHILD MOLESTORS get probation and Drug Dealers get life, in America, you can get away with murder. So long as your case is so hyped up in the media that the crime takes a back seat to any actual justice.

Two men from the Midwest, who were MADLY infatuated with Casey Anthony. 
(One allegedly has a cigar butt that Casey used as a sex toy. GROSS)
Decided to start a "Fan Club" for those in love with Casey.

"There are no FAN CLUBS for evil people in the world. She may be a murderer, but I will HIT THAT in a heart beat. Genital Warts and all." Explained one founder

"I don't think she murdered her child at all. My kids are all the time tying one another up and playing the storm drain game."

Upon talking to the Gentlemen, they gave us a copy of their newest commercial for their fan club. You can view it below in FULL HD and mediocre GREEN SCREEN!

As shocking as this, there seem to be MORE and MORE fan clubs popping up for the "Infamous" Americans and their crimes.

"Once the American media ruins them, they need to live. This allows them to make some money, buy cigars Champagne, a house... Maybe a car. 

We just want to give back to those that have already taken so much."

They ask that you watch the above video before joining the Fan Club. 

It may not be for everyone.

Below are some of the other "INFAMOUS FAN CLUBS" that exist as well.

Executed for defending herself against horny assholes.

Guilty of trying to chop fire wood, missing, and hitting her entire family.

Guilty of parking on a boat ramp and having bad brakes.

As you can see, not ALL of these women are guilty. 

Women are persecuted 125% more than men because they have a vagina. 

This is the actual wording in docket # 34.987 in Franklin vs Jackson 1923.

Support Women Murderers, they are people too!

(This entire article, site, and most likely my name too, is all SATIRE. You were told, now stop pretending you didn't know.)

Humanitarian mauled in effort to free caged Huskies

The Story of James "Slim Maybe" Jones

Humanitarian and Animal Lover,

 James "Slim Maybe" Jones, made history not once but TWICE, in one day!

James lives in a neighborhood where there are a ALLOT of caged animals. 
They range from Dogs, Cats, midget horses, pigs, chickens, and even a few gerbils. 

According to eye witness and family accounts. One day, while outside looking for aluminum cans and other scrap metals, Slim heard a loud, strange noise. 

It was coming from the house of the guy with the HUSKIE DOGS. 

Those beautiful creatures with BLUE EYES and soft white fur.

 Being the humanitarian that his family claims he is, he went to investigate.

Upon arrival he is met by this man. A local DICK, who treats everything he comes in contact with, like shit. This guy can't even eat a sandwich without punching it, two, three times. Forget chewing, he just swallows it whole so it can suffer all the way down. This guy is the type of man who will beat up an old man, for his pipe...then break the pipe! I mean, well... I digress. 

Ole Slim spots the "Huskie Dogs" in a cage, as if they are being hauled off somewhere. 
The cage was small, and the dogs could barely get their noses through the bars to catch a breath of fresh air. James, or "Slim Maybe", had just acquired his concealed carry permit. (This moron has a gun hidden, legally, in his jacket. The rest is predictable, but we will go on.) 
He pulls the gun, and shoots the man in knee. 

He was aiming for his head, but missed. 
According to SLIM, anyway.
(What moron admits to attempted murder.?)

After the local dick hit the ground, James tries to shoot the lock off of the box. Instead he kills one of the dogs, and injures another. He finally got the lock off with a shovel and allot of smashing. Once the door was open James, being the Humanitarian he is, climbs into the cage. Instead of Licks and cuddles, he is greeted by an Injured dog, 
and 2 other VERY angry dogs.

(Who knew banging on a cage for 20 minutes and shooting one dog, would make them so agitated.)

A visceral tug of war ensues among the dogs, in the melee one of James arms are ripped off. Two of the dogs stayed behind to chew on the newly found treat, the injured dog went after James, well... His Genitals. Needless to say James requires multiple surgeries to repair the damage. The doctors have said that a gender reassignment would be less hassle, and cheaper for James.

James stated, may as well. I'm just a bitch with one arm anyway.

Old Man dies after seeing picture of Estranged Wife.

Bob Robert "Billy" Williams, was full of life at the time of his death.

He had met a young woman online, and was living a virtual young mans life.

That was when it ALL went wrong. 

Allow us to tell you a little about innocent Billy Williams, before we kill him off in print.

He was a modest man, who lived within his means, and did NOT have allot of money.

His interest were model airplanes, hummingbird watching, and bingo at the local VFW.

He was an orphan and a small pox survivor. Along with holding several patents to outdated inventions, he enjoyed lawn darts. 

(After they were outlawed he bought ALL remaining darts, 

and owns the worlds ONLY lawn dart obstacle course. Johnny Knoxville was rumored to visit weekly. Of course there is no evidence to support these claims.) 

Years prior to any of this, ole Billy's wife had vanished. 

No note, no trace, nothing missing, she just vanished. He was investigated, and ultimately exonerated of any and all wrong doing. The poor guy spent the next 50 years, entirely alone and depressed. Outside of his lawn darts and bingo, he longed for his long lost wife. That's when he met Olivia on a popular online dating site. (We shall not name said site, lawsuits are getting expensive here for Slander, and false reporting.)

So, Billy befriends this young woman, and request a picture of her. 

He receives the following photo from the young lady.

Billy Collapsed dead immediately after seeing this photograph!!!

The Police later revealed that is his long lost wife on the left, 

and his grand daughter on the right.

This was their way of letting him know that she were alive, and he had a grand daughter. She had also sent a letter explaining her 50 year absence. Details have not been released.

(Yes, this is the America we all live in and love now.)

Billy's daughter, distraught, submitted this picture, via Instagram,  to show her grief.

(It is important to note that it WAS finals week.)

She changed her mind once she learned that Billy's patents had been generating millions, he had not know, and she was the sole heir. 

The estranged wife and grand daughter got the Funeral Bill.

This blog is for entertainment purposes only.All claims, photos, images, names, and info are fiction.

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